One of the most painful things about not living in one’s own
space is having to work without one’s schedule. One cannot do what one wants to
do or go where one wants to go. But, I think one learns humility by giving up the desires for peace and quiet, for solitude,
for daily Mass, for Adoration. God is in charge of every detail of our lives.
I know of a man who set up, years ago, the longest 24/7
Adoration in the area. Recently, he became quite ill. He has had to give up
going to the Adoration Chapel he himself set up for the benefit of the entire
two-state area.
His purification is in this dying to self, this giving up of
his daily visit to his Love, Christ in the Eucharist. How painful this must be
for this good man?
His death of will is a great example to me. I have
complained too much of not being able to attend daily Mass and twice or thrice
weekly Adoration, since I left Europe at the
end of the first week of November.
Now, through this holy man’s example, I see that what I have
experienced in the last seven months has been God’s Will for me. What I have
wanted to do the most, receive Christ daily in the Eucharist, and to adore Him
in the monstrance, have been denied me.
Christ has, like the Bridegroom in The Song of Songs, removed Himself from me on a daily basis for the
good of my soul, because I am so impure, so “dark” and not worthy to be His
bride.
His removal has been painful. There is no consolation in not seeing my Beloved on the altar and in His
small throne, the monstrance, except for this consolation-that this denial of
His Presence is His Will for now.
This has obviously been His Will for me. I wish I had seen
this earlier and not whined about His absence, the lack of a church in walking
distance, the lack of Adoration, the lack of churches, period.
What He has taught me through the great sacrifice of the man
who can no longer see Christ daily is that the Passion must be not only
endured, but embraced. When one
actually desires suffering, desires penance, desires the absence of one’s Love,
something begins to change in the soul—the death of self-will.
How strange that The
Song of Songs reveals exactly how Christ treats those of us who want to
love Him more and more. Christ must retreat from our presence in order for us
to desire Him above all persons, all plans, all conveniences, all things….
The heart must burn for completeness…..and these words are
almost echoes something Christ said to St. Angela so long ago-that He was
withholding Himself for the sake of her purification. Christ wanted her to
desire Him more than she did.
So be it….
